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Criswell Predicts 1999!

“Some people foretell the end of time, but the end of time will never be on time.” William (Billy) Childish, 21st century poet Criswell also known as “Criswell Predicts” dubbed himself the “20th Century Nostradamus” and based on “trend, precedent, pattern of habit, human behavior, and the unalterable law of cycle!” claimed 87% accuracy in his predictions. In his 1968 book, Criswell Predicts From Now to the Year 2000! he predicted that the world would come to an end on August 18, 1999.

Here it is 2023, and the world has yet come to an end and we are not living in the kind

of future that was predicted for the 21st century in the latter decades of the 20th century.

We’re not living the life of the Jetsons and we have found no sign of intelligent life in the

universe. Our current state of affairs could be called a Cyberpunk dystopia. Or perhaps as

Charles Coulombe says, “Yes, well, scoffers may scoff! But we true believers know that

all of us on earth are simply dwellers in the Criswellian aftermath!”

Before Criswell predicted that his birthdate (August 18, 1907) in 1999, would be the

last day for humankind, he published a huge number of predictions in his “Criswell Predicts!—An Accurate Glimpse of the Future” syndicated newspaper column during the

mid-1950s, on the future wonder year of 1999. Some, well most of them, were certainly

anachronous even in Criswell’s twisted temporal domain. They were dated after he later

predicted the date the world would end. These are excerpts from the column’s segment

called: What You Will Do in 1999:

August 15, 1954:

By looking 45 years into the future you will find that all traces of modesty as we

know it today will have disappeared, and nudity will be the accepted condition.

There will be nude public bathing beaches like Europe has today and all sports

arenas will feature nude racing, sports, basketball, football, track with both men

and women entrants! The sexes will not be on the same level, for the women will

control and own the world by that time and men will be tolerated merely for the

continuation of the race. Yes, in 1999, men will bear the names of the women they

marry, and woman will never give up her name for a man’s. Stand by and see!

August 22, 1954:

Here is what I predict you will be doing 45 years from today——in 1999: You will arise in controlled temperature, have your first breakfast snack of one pill, which will be orange juice, ham and eggs, buttered toast with jam and coffee, all contained in one tiny capsule. There will be no overweight, no sickness, no stomach disorders, for this will all be controlled through enforced diet. You will

work only three hours a day at an assigned job and have the rest for relaxation. You will not permit anything to worry you, due to enforced scientific thinking, you will be free as an individual, and content with your lot! Speed the day!

August 29, 1954:

Here is what I predict you will be doing exactly 45 years from today in 1999:

Diamonds will have lost their commercial value and will be used as freely fordress decorations at that time, as we use rhinestones today! The great coal mining centers will be closed down completely due to the use of solar heating and a newly introduced refined oil burning which will eliminate the use of coal

altogether! There will be no smoke from factories and nothing to pollute our air. All garbage disposal will be done by chemical, and any trash will be disposed of in the same manner! . . . Yes, 45 years from today, another great worry will be lifted from your life: You will not be worried with headaches, for they will be overcome through a new circulatory treatment!

September 5, 1954:

In 1999, and I predict you will all live to see that day, you will have the “chance’ taken out of gambling, for you will be able to have a “small electric brain” in your home which you can feed equations, and get the proper answer! The right horse, the trumps in your opponent’s hand, the right number on the roulette table, plus just how your mate will line up in future life! Yes, the chance will be taken out of

life. A comptometer will reveal how long you will live and what disease will carry you off. The surprise will be taken out of life, and for that reason, I predict that 1999 will be rather dreary and unexciting! You and I then will look back to the good old days of 1954!

September 12, 1954:

Exactly 45 years from this very moment I predict that you will no longer have one chair in your home, you will only have reclining couches! Science will have convinced you that sitting up is bad, and if you are off your feet, you should be in the reclining position! (Never sit down when you can lie down). One other valuable lesson you will have gleaned out of the coming 45 years is that liquid soft food is much healthier than solid fried food! (Your food will come in pellets or will be liquid). Your pantry will consist of three or four jars of tiny pellets, which you can boil in water giving you thick soups, stews or meats, but if you are wise, you will be living on a liquid diet! I predict you will be alive in 1999 to

check my accuracy!

September 12, 1954:

In 1999 this very newspaper will be printed on spun plastic, and when you are through reading these lines you will dip the paper in a special chemical which will soften and clean, making you a cloth, which can be used most handily. In 1999 you will no longer be worried about the condition of your skin, your hair or personal appearance, for through the most scientific dietary compounds your

system will be fed exactly what it needs for perfection. In a very public place, there will be a scale, which will diagnose your case instantly and advise you exactly what to take through a printed card. Disease will be overcome completely overcome through an artificially induced fever which will destroy all germs

and bring back normalcy overnight! Happy 1999!

October 10, 1954:

The medical world of 1999 will be able to transplant any human organ and prove that the human body is made up of interchangeable parts! If you need a new lung, a new heart, a new liver or digestive tract, you will be sent to a huge clinic which is a “Bank of Human Parts” and there you will be fixed up like new! Spare arms and legs will also be available! 45 years in the future will bring us many wonders,

just as the past 45 years have brought us one miracle after another! In 1999 we will all live in a safe, secure world, and until that time we will all slowly progress and humanity will improve toward perfection! Each day will bring better understanding!

October 24, 1954:

On Oct. 25, 1999, you will awake on a darkened world, for the sun will not shine in the year of 1999 due to a huge eclipse, which will be man-made! All of ou ratomic gasses will have risen in the outer air orbit of the earth and will have solidified, making a complete ceiling, and keeping all sunlight from reaching us!

Our major engineering feat of that year of 1999 will be the guided missiles we will send into outer space to explode and disperse this huge inverted bowl of horrifying gases; I predict that we will be able to again get the sunlight, but our engineers of 1999 will be successful! 45 years will pass very quickly, so waitaround and see this coming venture in space!

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